Part 3 of our Marriage Course brings us to the issue of resolving conflict. Without a doubt conflict is inevitable in any relationship be it marriage, at work, or in the family. In a marriage both parties have different opinions and somehow, believe it or not, we are naturally selfish! Conflicts arise when we fail to handle anger properly. In the Marriage Course, Nicky and Sila identified two types of human reactions when upset:

Some are like rhinos – they attack when provoked

Some are like hedgehogs – they withdraw when threatened

David and I concluded that we both Rhinos. How dangerous!

When there’s unresolved conflict, it will lead to‘trench warfare’; think about a form of warfare in which both combatants occupied static fortified fighting lines, consisting largely of trenches, in which troops were largely immune to the enemy’s small arms fire and were substantially sheltered from artillery. The relationship between husband and wife should not find itself in such a war! Where conflict is, both parties have to fight out each others’ problems on the same side. Essentially, there are four principles that if practiced, can help us in handling conflict:

Expressing our appreciation for each other – make it a daily discipline, be thankful for what your partner does and be appreciative for who your partner is. When it comes to being thankful for what David does, I simply don’t measure it in gifts or in kind. I don’t hint and make him buy presents for me or bring me on holidays. If the act of love and affection needs to stem from that new designer bag or that beach holiday; then I think the relationship needs overhaulin’. How much your husband loves you doesn’t come from what his wealth can buy you (plus, I’d feel guilty spending my hubby’s money for my own stuff, let alone make hints and get him to buy them!). In my opinion being married doesn’t mean we transfer our independence to our husbands – being married simply is two independent people loving, living and spending the rest of our lives together (that means making your own hard earned money!) We both are always thankful for each other, and grateful that we put up with each other’s imperfection. We appreciate what each other has done and show that appreciation through words of encouragement thru saying things like “I appreciate you taking care of washing the dishes” or “I appreciate how attentive you are now that we are expecting a baby”.

Recognising our differences – We’ve got to recognize differences in temperament, personality, background and expectations. We often get frustrated when we try to change each other, SO don’t try to change each other! We need to seek to complement each other, look for each other’s strengths and support each other’s weaknesses. During the course, we did an exercise on identifying our differences by using a chart to weigh each issue and see how much we agreed/disagreed. We found that we were very similar in some areas i.e. our choice of clothing and appearance, how we sort out our disagreements, how we spend our money, our idea of relaxation and even if we’d like our TV switch on/off. We also identified our differences i.e. how I am particular about punctuality and David likes to cut it fine, and how when we go on holidays, I’d prefer to seek rest and David on the other hand seek adventure. Having differences doesn’t mean you’d surely end up in conflict all the time! It’s these differences that can be a source of strength for our relationship. That said, the differences shouldn’t overpower the similarities, or else you’d be thinking what brought you two together? Opposites do attract but strong differences can drive your relationship into the path of divorce.

Negotiating areas of conflict – When conflict arises, we have to negotiate rather than attack, surrender or bargain. Try working out the conflict by using these 6 steps to peace:

1. Find the best time to talk about it (not before leaving to work or before going to bed)
2. Identify the issue
3. Discuss the issue rather than attacking each other i.e. avoid labeling “you never” or “you always”, use “I” statements such as “I feel undervalued when…”, listen to your partner (recall the session on the Art of Communication) and each express your views in turn
4. Work out the possible solutions and make a list if necessary
5. Decide on the best solution for your relationship and see if it works
6. Be prepared to re-evaluate

While we cannot change each other, we need to be prepared to change ourselves. This includes habits of our own which cause our spouse unhappiness as well as angry reactions to our partner’s habits. Discuss with each other the most important reasons for frustration, resentment, hurt or anger towards one another. Talk about what you’d do when you get angry with your spouse. Be wary of the type of words and phrases you use that would hurt your spouse. The best way to resolve conflict is to talk about it, and not wait for the weaker party to surrender or give in. It’d just be a time bomb waiting to explode.

Learning to pray together – We should always put God at the centre of our relationship. When we expect our partner to meet all our needs, we inevitably fail each other and get hurt. These expectations lead to demands, disappointment and blame—recipe for disaster! We were created to be in a relationship with God; only he can meet all our needs. We should be seeking God’s way by praying together as a couple as this will strengthen and sustain a marriage relationship over a lifetime and build intimacy. Many marriages today involve a battle of the wills as husband and wife argue to get their own way. A Christian marriage involves a couple seeking God’s will together. When praying we should listen and respond to each other’s requests, and also ensure that the prayers are not manipulative. The closer each of us is individually in our relationship with God, the closer we are to each other as husband and wife.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 ‘A cord of three strands is not quickly broken’.

Tonight’s session will be on the power of forgiveness. Look out for my post next week!